I saw a magazine with the title –'Lose 5 kilos in 5 days!' just the other day and actually lately I constantly see weight loss ads online, in print..and everywhere I go! That can only mean one thing: bikini season is coming! So, it
made me think of some great ways I’ve
lost weight recently and over the years..fad diets- fad shmiets! here are the
REAL effective ways to lose weight..some tried by yours truly and some not.
1. Lose 5 kilos in FIVE days! I think the night shop in our
street should have that as their advert because most of their savoury pastry treats that
have been sitting there sweating and happily observing the world almost as long
as the retirees that are permanently camped in it’s cafe. These lukewarm treats are a guaranteed
involuntary weight loss program. The 'Salmonella Cinderella' diet, (tried and
tested by myself and my partner) is cheap and practically exercise free and
guarantees no cravings, and a sure fire way to decrease appetite and stomach
size..no expensive pills needed. The only ‘exercise equipment required is a
toilet and a bucket.. and a little coordination goes a long way as you may need
both at the same time. 
3. The malnutrisionist’s recommendation = the student /
workaholic /alcoholic diet is a sure fire way to quickly shed those winter
pounds, highlight your dull grey complexion and enhance the black circles under your eyes.
Here you can mix it up with binge drinking and skipping meals, or you can just go for stress and occasional
snacks or a complete liquid diet-> handy hint- vodka has the least calories vs
alcohol percentage (win-win really)
4. A Hollywood favourite that many stars swear by: the ‘can I
take your (eating dis-) order?’diet …takes a bit of commitment but is cheap and
added plus with the ''bulimic beauty plan'' you can actually eat guilt free to your heart’s
content..and then when you are ‘purging’ not only are you losing calories but
(and this is especially for you fitness freaks out there)gaining stomach
muscles (win-win &win? I think so!) a skeletally sculpted silhouette in just
a few weeks! eat your heart out Dukan and Atkins!
..OR those more hardcore of you can opt for a glam celebrity style variation with drug addiction I
mean just a week or two on the Kate Moss coke-tails will give you the size 8 waist you always
wanted..and if you were thinking of getting a nose job, this one is perfect as
you can combine it with the nasal reconstruction you will need after this!
Just remember the key is to be serious and committed stick to hard drugs...soft
things like marijuana will just give you munchies!
5. The 'NO pain ,un-gain' diet- for those of us who are happy to be illusionists, well they say
dark colours are slimming and I say a
bit of fake 'tangerine tint' can go a looong way –think an instant 5 kilos lost..and those
who are just worried about the cybersphere of judgements..ie trying to impress
exes .. and highschool friends that may stumble upon your FB profile..you dont need to look any further than the photoshop - face (butt,chin, neck boob and anything else you want)lift.
So there you have it,
5 sure fire ways to quick weight loss.. YES!! these above diets are ridiculous,
risky and well utter crap (please don’t try them at home) but probably not too
dissimilar to most ( if not all) the fad diets and ‘lose weight quick’ schemes
you have read about.
The hard truth I’ve learnt
- which I hate because I am the most impatient person in the world- is
that no diet works overnight and nothing keeps weight off better than being
healthy – with a small margin for error of course because in the wise words of
Oscar Wilde- ‘the only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it’!
I hate gyms, I hate diet plans and I am not organized so I
need a lazy and easy way to stay in shape. Everyone has a different way and
likes different levels of exercise and different combinations of food but I
manage to keep a good balance basically through stuffing my face with
fresh veggies as much as possible eliminating sugar as much as possible and
walking as much as possible. And sure I am still a bit flabby here and there and there are things I would change if I could..but I can't..and well I have just had to accept the fact that I am never going to have
flawless supermodel legs up to my armpits..but no diet is going to change me into one of those genetically gifted non
human creatures.. The 'Food and Fun' part of the blog aims at sharing some cool recipes and ideas that are mostly raw food ones, with unprocessed and sugar free ingredients and fun and easy ways to indulge guilt free! The most important thing is to be healthy and feel good about yourself, and then you will radiate no matter what size you are naturally!
